Sometimes fear motivates positive change...
Succumbing to Fear
It really started over the summer, when I got bitten by a spider--I'm allergic--and had to take antibiotics. I ended up being allergic to the medication too. From there it seemed as if one thing followed another and I couldn't quite get back to 100%. In September, I took on a task slightly bigger than I could handle and sacrificed more sleep than is healthy which only added to the stress of my body. By October, I was certain I was dying. I've never been one to get sick, let alone stay sick, and the longer my symptoms lingered, the more I worried. Between the incompetence of the nurses and doctor my insurance covers and my inability to refrain from Google searching, 
I found myself staring at the computer in horror. It seems that every cough, sneeze, bruise, and ache is either a symptom of cancer or HIV. Logically, my fear should have been of cancer. My chance of having HIV is like .00000000001%--I'm a virgin, I don't share needles, I don't have tattoos...--but of the two, it was the worse thing I could imagine. At least with cancer there's a shot at being cured, and if you tell someone you have it, they're likely to be comforting and sympathetic.
I found myself staring at the computer in horror. It seems that every cough, sneeze, bruise, and ache is either a symptom of cancer or HIV. Logically, my fear should have been of cancer. My chance of having HIV is like .00000000001%--I'm a virgin, I don't share needles, I don't have tattoos...--but of the two, it was the worse thing I could imagine. At least with cancer there's a shot at being cured, and if you tell someone you have it, they're likely to be comforting and sympathetic.Information & Realizations
It took a moment for my mind to accept that I most definitely do not have HIV, a trip to my doctor (which my insurance doesn't cover) to accept I just have allergies, and a just a bit longer for me to accept that my dad calling me a hypochondriac wasn't so far from the truth. As I eased back into sanity, I couldn't help but think of stories I've heard from friends and strangers alike about flings, one night stands, and the like. I imagine if I'd engaged in even one form of risky behavior, I would be having full out panic attacks every day until the 3-6 month window closed and I could confirm I didn't have HIV (FYI: it takes HIV about 3 months to be detectable, but in rare cases can take up to 6 months). Phobias stem from misinformation (like the idea that HIV could be passed through an insect bite--which it can't, thankfully!). Fear, however, can come from regret, guilt, and all manner of dark places in the mind. That's why it's important to be informed, as well as to heed the information given to you.
Once, while speaking with a nurse, she said "It's silly to put yourself in a bubble and repress urges when most STDs are curable, and most people with herpes only get one outbreak, if that." I remember looking at her like she had lost her mind. Not only did she exclude HIV in her little speech on "STDs never hurt anyone" but it sounded so foolish--as though no one could get through life without contracting an STD at some point. Besides, would she have said that if my "repressed urges" were to kill someone or steal someone's possessions? #NoRules #Anarchy #YOLO
A long time ago, I wrote a post called The V Word which explained why I've chosen to "stay in my bubble" until marriage. That post doesn't cover STDs, as at the time, it didn't really cross my mind. You see, when I was a teenager, my biggest deterrent from sex was the possibility of becoming pregnant: neither condoms nor birth control are 100% effective at preventing that. As an adult, pregnancy doesn't sound scary at all compared to other possibilities: of which condoms are still not 100% effective and birth control is 0% effective.
There use to be a time when a man's (or woman's) word was worth its weight in gold. It was a time when people entered into relationships with the goal of it lasting forever. But, today, we live in a hook-up culture, where people only think about right now. We live in a world where people lie to get what they want. In the early days of America, this meant they took your land. In the 60's it meant they broke your heart. Today, it means they break your heart and possibly leave you a goodbye present you can never get rid of.
Protect Yourself: Know Your Status
I know World AIDS Day isn't until December 1, but I've learned quite a bit in the past few months and I encourage you to, as well (especially if you insist on partaking in the hook-up lifestyle). It's not my place to judge another's lifestyle choice and I don't intend to, however, it is important to know the risks of the behavior you engage in as well as the safety precautions available to you. Click here for more information. #KnowYourStatus #KnowTheRisks #BeSafe.
