The V Word

People often give me the funniest looks when the word "virgin" comes out of my mouth. I realize we live in a society where people are generally assumed to not be a virgin, so I can imagine its not what they expect to hear. The looks I've gotten have ranged from the casual "oh" to the bug-eyed look of disbelief. It never fails that those who look at me as though I've just admitted to being a martian will respond with something similar to "but why though!?"

If you know me, you know that the idea of needing to explain myself is a foreign concept for me. I often don't feel like entertaining their questions, not because I'm embarrassed or don't know why, but simply because I don't care. In most of the conversations that have led me to reveal this information about myself, its been a case where I was asked a question and responded with "I don't know, I'm a virgin." In a few cases the people (or person) I was talking with decided they would take that opportunity to go on the defense and berate everything they thought me being a virgin meant. Many of their comments showed that they assumed I was judging them because they were not. One even made a comment that "just because [she] didn't wait, it didn't make [her] a hoe." Well, I never called her a hoe: all I said was that I was a virgin. Considering I only made one statement, only after being prompted (often repeatedly, after all I don't usually just blurt out my personal business to everyone), and it had nothing to with them, I'd say that was a guilty conscious talking. Everyone took it to this whole other level, all the while they were saying that sex wasn't a big deal. Then why are you concerned with my sex-life (or lack thereof)?

Out Of The Gloomy Past

I've never been a fan of history classes, but for some reason, I find history itself very interesting. It's all in the way you tell it. Most of the way its presented in the classroom facilitates these grandiose ideas everyone buys into because it's partially true, but leaves out the obvious holes in the picture. This past year people have been bumbling over each other, picking sides, pointing fingers, and poking fun at our government, our constitution, and "the American Way" in general. I've witnessed some hot debates over touchy topics and generally, I try to stay out political conversations... Unfortunately, that doesn't keep the conversations from continuing in my head.

Stubborn Lies

A long time ago--or at least a lot of conversations ago--someone asked me to write a poem for them. I can write poems on demand, but they usually come out pretty generic. I like to write when the spirit hits me. Well, my friend, the spirit finally hit me to write one about you. Yes I know the difference between for and about, but the spirit of writing did not. (Good thing multiple people have asked me to write a poem for them...)

Stubborn Lies

Stubborn is my middle name:
I was born this way
   --I'm not always a fan of change
And I keep saying no,
Just because I can.
Yeah, I know its true:
It's right in front of me,
I'd be a fool if I didn't see you...
   --I can't lie to myself
I wouldn't admit to it.
I'll let you think what you want
And if you can't see through me
We'll just let it be.

Belief and Religion: An undefinable and strange relationship

Earlier, I wrote a post about the difference in being spiritual and being religious. I took the post down before I publicized the blog because it discussed a particular event involving a particular person and while I didn't use their name, I think that they (and any one who knows them) would know I was talking about them. I didn't want that. So I'm going to try this from a different angle.

One of my most frequent sayings, though not particularly nice, is that you don't have to tell someone you're pretty (or handsome). I feel this way about most traits people exhibit. You don't have to tell me you're smart or nice or honest... If you are in fact these things, it will show through your actions. The same is true for those on a spiritual journey; you don't have to wear an I <3 Jesus shirt everyday to inform the world that you know Him.

I think for me the most annoying statement people make is "he/she/I go to church every Sunday" in a context where they are validating their spirituality or righteousness. My first thought is so what? What do you do Monday through Saturday? Better yet, what do you do Sunday after church? Deeper question, why are you celebrating the Sabbath the way you do on the day you do? Many will quote the 4th commandment--well maybe you'll quote the 3rd commandment if you're Catholic (hmm... even deeper question did you know Protestants and Catholics have a slightly different set of commandments? #FoodForThought--don't take my word for it, add it to your to do list). But the Bible says "remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God; in it thou shalt not do any work..." (Exodus 20:8-10 KJV) and "And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the Lord thy God brought thee out thence through a might hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the Lord thy God commanded thee to keep the Sabbath." (Deuteronomy 5:15 KJV). No where does it say anything about Sunday and no where does it say anything about a church. My question is, if you must validate your worship with words instead of actions, can you demonstrate knowledge instead of presence? I mean, in all honesty, when I was a kid I use to color in church--I was there though!

The Real Issue: Part 2 the Clarification

So I asked a friend to read the last post because I wasn't sure I was saying what I was feeling (or rather it read the way I was feeling). And he pointed out that I wrote it from the "privileged" point of view. To which I responded that I could only speak from my experience, which is of being light-skinned and skinny. A debate ensued as to whether I was saying both ends of the spectrum had it equally bad and I was informed that it read as though I was telling dark-skinned and/or larger people that they should stop complaining because both sides are bad. That is NOT the point I was trying to get across.

For those sick of reading I'll skip to (hopefully)  a more straight forward point and some clarifications. Then I'll tell you what brought it about.

Clarifications:

1) I agree with the Dove Campaign.
2) I hate Victoria Secret and I don't shop there
3) Bigger women (and men) are beautiful
4) Dark skinned people are beautiful

Point:

People should be able to embrace their beauty without having to say anything negative about any one else.

Further Clarifications:

According to my friend it read as though the point was that I didn't like the Dove Campaign because they didn't put a skinnier girl in the ad. No, that was a side comment in relation to the motivation I had for writing it. I'll explain the motivation in detail later, but for now we'll start with the quote from the beginning. "I like my friend's new girlfriend because she's chunky and has meat on her bones" Ok, lets skip the fact that we should like people because of their character not their size (or color). This particular comment is for me, as I mentioned in part 1, a projection of my own insecurity on to the comment. When I heard it I heard, "I would rather him date a chunky girl than a skinny girl." Is that what they meant? I don't know, but I do know that various people have both flat out said as well as implied that I'm too skinny, sickly looking, and boyish shaped. (Side note: for those of you who've met me recently I was about 20 lbs less in high school when I got the bulk of these comments, still get a few though). So my side comment was in reference to I'd like to be considered "real" as well. While I may be small I don't look like a Victoria Secret model at all. My friend made the comment how could he tell a bigger girl we're all beautiful if she hasn't figured out she's beautiful. Touche. So I'm going to pause to say you are beautiful.

Motivation:

My friend said I can't compare my experience because I'm one person. Well, that's the root of my motivation right there. Let's get personal, let's talk about me and why I would write what I wrote. I've always been a believer in equality: equality between blacks and whites, between dark and light, between big and small, tall and short, you name it. It would be ideal if we could all just exist and be happy, but unfortunately we aren't there yet. I've found myself advocating for the darker girl and for the bigger girl. Just a week ago I told another friend that he was an idiot for saying he only dated light-skinned girls. I've gone to the mall with friends who are bigger than me and listened to them complain. I've reassured them that they look great. I've tried to help them find flattering clothes. But every time I've said anything about me--the fact that I've caught flack for being light, that I can't find clothes that fit, etc.--people have jumped down my throat. My friend pointed out that's what a white person would say about black people--they should (that's a post for another day). I'm not living in a perfect world, and while I can't speak for other people "like me" I doubt they are either. My point was not to say you shouldn't empower yourself, but to remind people that in empowering yourself you can still be respectful to people on the other side of the spectrum. Yes, there are people who talk crap about you, if you want to curse them out and call them names (while I don't recommend it), I totally understand. But for those who do support you, before you make snide comments or decide that you don't have to be equally (or at least partially) supportive, stop and think about it. That is what I meant about positive pride.

I'm not sure if this clarifies completely or not. If not, part 3 may appear.

The Real Issue

You ever notice how when something happens, certain people jump to a whole different tirade went venting? Example. You're stuck in a traffic jam and the passenger blames it on immigration laws. Naturally you end up staring at them like they've lost their mind. How did it escalate to that so rapidly?

Ok, so that's a drastic example but let's talk about some real quotes that came out of nowhere:

On her friend's new girlfriend: "I like her because she's a little chunky and has some meat on her bones." 

On grad school acceptance: "You only made it because you're light skinned."

On dating in general: "I don't like dark girls/guys."

Say what?????? I hoped not to see this in 2013, but I did.

So I'm breaking this issue in to two topics (but really it boils down to the same problem).

The Body Image Issue

vs

I'm glad Dove is featuring a realistic spectrum of women. We need that. Though at the same time, I'm still a touch disappointed that not one of the realistic women looks like me. Two ends of the spectrum are still missing. Yeah, everyone who's been called fat and told they're overweight hates Victoria's Secret's campaign ad but as someone who is NATURALLY a size 1 (yes I eat, and yes I eat greasy, fried, not good for you foods) I'd like to be included in the spectrum as "real." I'm sure there are some bigger ladies that would like to be included too... If we're letting the media define beauty (which is a bad idea) I'm all for the support of all body types. Unfortunately, switching to the phrase "real women have curves" is still going to leave some women feeling "ugly."

It's not a secret that the media glorifies skinny people. I am in no way down playing this issue. However, for a few years, I've noticed that in cases where no one has said anything about weight or appearance at all, bigger girls often say snide comments about smaller girls most of which translate to "I don't like you because you're skinny and I'm not." 

That being said, I'm sure a lot of bigger girls have caught flack from both genders. The grass isn't greener on the other side. -_- Guess what? So have I. So for my plus sized ladies, I'd like to let you know that we aren't so different. People tell you to stop eating? People accuse me of not eating at all--maybe it sounds funny to you, but being accused of anorexia on a weekly basis is quite annoying, especially when you eat more than you're supposed to. Guys say you don't have a nice body? Guys tell me I'm not thick enough. You can't find your size? Guess what, neither can I. 

Ladies, there is no such thing as the perfect shape and size (ok, well the media says there is but unless you're paying a doctor to create it we aren't actually made that way). There are beautiful things about everyone. Some people have mainstream beauty, some people have unique beauty. You don't have to tear one down because you feel some kinda way about your own stature. I've never said something so someone about their weight; I've never picked on someone because they were "fat" I'm an advocate for normal looking female in the media, but realize that I, too, am normal. Respect starts with learning to accept yourself, then you are free to accept others faults and all.

It takes a lot of work, but we've got to get to a point where we can say look in the mirror, say "eff the world," and love what we see staring back at us. Forget the media! It starts with us.

The Color Struck Issue

Any phrase with dark or light skinned in it (other than basic description) annoys me to no end. Like the skinny/fat issue, I don't think there's a winning side of this equation. I've heard everything from "you're pretty for a dark skinned girl" to "you think you cute because you're light skinned." As mentioned earlier someone suggested I was accepted to grad school because I was light skinned. When I posed the point that I had a 4.0 until the end of my junior year, and still managed just above a 3.8 when I graduated, he suggested my professors gave me a pass because I was light skinned. I already have white people accusing me of only being there because of affirmative action, now my own people want to say I'm only there because I'm light skinned!?

I've also been sworn out that I had to be mixed--never mind that by saying you're black you are already acknowledging that you aren't 100% African. People have called me a liar when I say both of my parents are "black." Do people really think that's something worth lying about? Really? Well more than one person told me I didn't count because when you look in my high school yearbook, I'm the one black kid in all the honor societies, and I don't "pop out." Gee, thanks.

Truth be told I went through a phase where I wished I was dark skinned. Not because I thought one was better than the other. This is SC, we all get called nigger eventually. I just always admired darker skin--you guys never have acne (or so it seems), and you don't turn red when its cold. Also, people don't ask you "what" you are or come up to speaking a foreign language expecting you to understand it.

But we project our personal insecurities on to what people say. I've done it myself.  We take offense when color hasn't been mentioned at all. For instance, someone says a light skinned girl is pretty and you jump straight to it's because she's light skinned. Yes there is a cultural history of devaluing darker women but does that mean she can't be pretty just because? Not everyone is considered pretty just because of their complexion. Similarly I'm sure not everyone is kicked to the curb just because they are dark skinned. I agree there should be more better equality between us. Black comes in all shades and we should all be equally represented. I can't help it that I'm light, you can't help it that you're dark. So why are these conversations still popping up?

New years resolutions:

• positive pride  
• not to utter the words light-skinned or dark-skinned for any reason

You're welcome to join me.

*Please read the following post in response to feedback from this post here*